Dating Someone Who Doesn't Work Out — Can It Work?

Swiping Right on Someone Who Skips the Gym.

Nothing tests a relationship quite like a 5am alarm and a pre-workout shake blending at full volume.

And let’s be real, “Can we park further away?” is either the most romantic or most annoying thing you can say depending on who you're dating.

As a self-diagnosed fitness obsessed person, I am fully aware of how well I hide my addiction on rest days. Or on days when I am participating in real life with the rest of the balanced, normal members of society. And if I were to meet the love of my life on one of these random moments, he would have no idea. At first. Very quickly though it becomes evident to anyone who is around me for long enough to make it to meal time that I am not in fact normal. Or balanced. 

I love fitness. LOVE. Not love in the safe, healthy way you loved your childhood puppy Max even though you forgot to take him on walks and forgot to play with him unless he annoyed you enough by bringing the old tennis ball to your feet and nudging your ankle with his wet nose. No, not that kind of love. I’m talking about Romeo Juliet type of borderline suicidal love. The “I don't care if the world wants to separate us, I will find a way to be with you no matter what” type of love. It is not up for negotiation or debate. When you date me, you in fact date my fitness as well. You, me and fitness. A throuple.

This begs the question then, can you love someone who doesn't love the gym?
Short answer? Yes. But it's more complicated than that and if you've ever felt the tension between your 5am alarm and your partner's eye roll, you already know what I mean.

Let's be honest. When fitness is not just a core part of your identity, it quite literally IS your identity,  it shapes your schedule, your energy, your mood, and your goals. Before you can say the words third date, fitness will find a way to squeeze into your relationship too. And that question pops up from clients time and time again: what do you do if your partner doesn't share that passion with you? Because I will be meal prepping seven containers of chicken and rice on Sunday. What if he’s ordering Deliveroo? We share a kitchen but apparently not a food philosophy. So what now?

Do You Need a Fit Partner or Just a Supportive One?

Here's what I've come to believe after years of coaching: your partner doesn't need to love fitness the same way you love fitness. But they do need to support YOU as you navigate through your fitness journey.

There's a big difference between someone who doesn't work out and someone who undermines your commitment to it. One is a lifestyle difference, totally workable. The other is a values conflict, and that's a different conversation entirely. Therapist Jojo will address that one at a later time.

The couples I've seen thrive with different fitness approaches all have one thing in common: they treat each other's priorities as non-negotiable, even when they don't share them. Your partner doesn't have to join you at the gym, but they should never make you feel guilty for going. Or for staying too long. Or make you feel like you should skip.

My workouts, my meal prep, my steps are all high on my priority list. And while I no longer feel like it is necessary to have the same priorities as me, I personally find a human who values health and fitness quite attractive. I might go gym 5 days a week and he might play padel on Saturday. I might meal prep every Sunday and he might be intermittent fasting. We have shared goals for the future: we both want to be alive for it. And as healthy as possible. And we both understand the discipline that is needed for this to happen.

But what if you meet the LOYL on a rest day. And rest day you and training day you are two completely different people. And your partner fell in love with rest day you. They're still figuring out training day you. And they don’t even know what training days and rest days are. That is also okay!

There is something genuinely special about a partner who moves because of you. Not because it's required, but because they want to share all the experiences with you. This actually plays out perfectly because wouldn't you know, good ol’ chemistry comes to play: Physical activities build a kind of intimacy that's hard to replicate. A morning walk, a hike, a bike ride.It doesn't have to be a gym training session to count. It does something to the wiring of our brain. Who’s going to argue with science?

Go slow. Level 1 on the treadmill slow. If your partner is not hooked up to the fitness IV begging for a steady drip every day, do not attempt to give them a full syringe of it all at once. Share things at appropriate times. Prepare a cleaner version of his favourite Uber Eats order. Plan a date night that includes something active. He fell in love with you and afterall fitness is a part of you. 

Don’t forget the give, in give and take. Be sure to show interest in something he prioritises also. Let him share it with you and do it together. There has to be a mutual respect for each other’s values and priorities. 

The real question isn't whether your partner lifts or runs or tracks macros. It's whether they show up for the version of you that fitness helps create: the disciplined, energised, confident, healthiest version of yourself. If they love that person, you're in good shape.